I want to feel good all the time. And when I don’t feel happy – in addition to the unhappy feeling – I’m unhappy about being unhappy! I want to as quickly as possible figure out the problem, change things up, find a solution and get back to happy. This is my habitual way of processing life events. I do this without even realizing I’m doing it.
But as I bring a more mindful approach to everyday life it becomes apparent that it’s the resistance to unhappy feelings that’s the real problem. Why so much fear around feeling anything other than happy contentment?
When I dig into this question, the first answer I come up with is a fear of rejection from others – not being lovable – when I’m anything but happy. As I dig deeper, I realize it’s not so much others that are the issue. In fact there is no evidence of others rejecting me when I’m unhappy. The truth is – the rejection is coming from me when I’m an unhappy camper. This is good news and bad news. The bad news is that it’s up to me to change this. The good news is that it’s up to me to change this.
Embracing “This Too”
Here’s where mindfulness comes into play to provide a training regiment for a new pattern of processing life. The first step is to notice and then embrace all the little things in a day that I don’t like. For example, I love waking up to sunny windless days. Even though I don’t like gloomy weather – I can imagine embracing it, welcoming it – even without changing my feelings about it.
It’s like a little baby who is fussing and miserable – I can embrace and welcome that baby into my arms– even without loving the experience of holding a fussy baby. What a concept – that it’s okay to feel uncomfortable – even miserable – while still embracing and welcoming “this too.” I’m thinking if I can practice this with the little things – like weather – I can build up to the big things that are really upsetting. Not always liking, but always embracing all of life.
Free Flow of Emotional Energy
Reflecting on this more I see that the problem isn’t so much in the event, the thought or the feeling of dislike. The problem is in my rejection of what is. Most of the stress comes from pushing away from the experience or the feeling, from wishing it were something other than what it is. It’s powerful to realize I can dislike it AND accept it at the same time. There is ease in this realization. There’s intellectual honesty too.
Previously I’ve tried to put a happy spin on unhappy things – looking for the bright side. That’s actually kind of exhausting. I can feel the weight falling off my shoulders, and a slight release in pressure as I let go of trying to turn this rainy day into a good thing. It’s ok to dislike it, embrace it, feel it – and then let the feeling run it’s course. Let the energy run it’s course – and then it loses its charge. It’s by damning it up – resisting it– not letting it flow – that the energy becomes so powerful and destructive.
~Sue Hardman-Conklin
Questions to Ponder:
- Is it difficult for you to embrace uncomfortable situations and/or feelings?
- Is it a habit for you to immediately try to fix it or make it better or to see the bright side?
- What would happen if instead of resisting what is, you simply sat with it and watched it run its course without trying to change it?
- How is nonresistance to what is, different from apathy?
Hey Love! Thank you for the beautiful post, I can very much relate to what you’re writing and I wanted to share what has helped me to move away from that “happiness-pressure” and soften around it: I’ve consciously replaced/switched from “being happy” to “feeling/finding joy” in whatever I’m doing/feeling and it completely changed my life! I’ve got that idea, or reminder rather, that at the very base of our core our natural state if a state of joy and pure love, from a beautiful meditation that I’ve been doing every morning for the past 3 weeks and it has finally released me from that “happiness”-pressure/stress! 😉 The meditation is called “Finding Joy: A Spoken Word Contemplation” and it’s available for free on my favorite meditation app “Insight Timer”. It’s only 13min long, so totally doable in the morning, even for me!!! 😉
Big hug from NYC, I miss you!
Hey Nadine- Great to hear from you! Just finished listening to the meditation you recommended on the Insight Meditation app called “Finding Joy: A Spoken Word Contemplation” and I LOVED IT! This is great. Thanks so much for this resource. I look forward to listening to this daily. What a great addition to my meditation. I typically don’t like prerecorded meditations – but I really like this one. I love being reminded that at our core our natural state is joy and pure love. That was so apparent when I walked the Camino and was removed from my daily roles and tasks and completely immersed in the present moment. What I discovered in the present moment and the rhythm of walking was simply joy. It’s wonderful to be reminded that the joy is still there – even in the midst of the daily grind. This meditation helps uncover it. Thank you and big hugs to you from MPLS!!
Thanks Sue for this piece. As I read it, there is a big part of me that admires your positivity! When I notice unhappiness about something, some situation in my life, I unconsciously go to “the glass is 1/2 empty” scenario which increases my negative mood. The working challenge for me is, after noticing my thoughts & sometimes automatic tendency to the negative, I think of what the Buddha reminds us of, (paraphrased): all unhappiness springs from desire. Just observing that I am not happy with what is, helps bring me to a more mindful place of acceptance & non judgement (needs more practice)! Am planning on getting the meditation app & listening to “Finding Joy…”. Thank you Sue!
Thanks for your comments Nanette. And thanks for reminding us of what the Buddha says about unhappiness springing from desire – specifically the desire for things to be other than they are. I’m wondering if it’s possible to have an acceptance of what is AND a desire or aspiration for something more? Seems to me there needs to be both – a non resistance to the present along with the will for higher good. Aren’t we always aspiring for a higher good in alignment with our souls and for the betterment of humanity? I love all these ideas that you’re making me think about with your comment. Thanks for furthering the conversation!