Laura Shares

When I was 3 years old, my family’s world changed forever. My Father was a scared man who suffered from severe anxiety and depression, and died by suicide when he was 31 years old. He left behind me, my two-week old baby sister, and my 29 year old Mother. This extremely traumatic event completely changed how I would grow up, what I would believe, how I would act, talk, think and relate to people. I became an adult at the age of 3 and took on the responsibility of keeping my family safe, happy and calm.

I was the most responsible child you had ever met and because my family had suffered so much already, I could not bear to bring any more pain or suffering to them. On top of living with anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem, I also suffered from extreme loneliness. There seemed to be a hole so huge in my heart that I could not even fathom how to fill it. I did what seemed to make the most sense to me at the time, and looked to outside sources such as shopping, food, friends, and relationships to fill this large, gaping wound.

It may come as no surprise that my dating life was less than amazing! I had two serious relationships during my twenties and the end of the second one was a huge turning point in my life. I met my second boyfriend when I was 27. I had been single for four years and was in a bad pattern of casual dating, one-night stands, and bar make-outs. We dated long distance for a year and then I decided to move away from where I was living to be with him. Within six months of being away from friends and family I had gained 23 pounds, fell into a deep depression and then got dumped.

It was at this point in my life that my Soul called to me and began speaking. It told me that if I did not change the way I living, thinking, and acting right now, I would die. My current life wasn’t sustainable and it took something shocking and severe to remove my blinders to my life and accept responsibility for myself. I decided to move back to where my friends and sister lived to begin my recovery process not knowing it would be the most intense recovery of my life.

What I thought at first was going to be a break-up recovery, ended up being my Soul Recovery and the greatest healing experience. I decided to start seeing a Spiritual Counselor. We started with my wounded, scared little girl who had been suffering all these years. I learned there were beliefs, patterns, and wounds that were running deep within my subconscious, creating the pattern of rejection over, and over, and over again in my present day life. I learned how my belief that I was worthless was playing out daily, and I learned how to heal it. I learned how to accept these deep wounds and how to love them. I learned how to speak up for myself, how to ask for what I wanted, and I connected to my heart and my soul at a level I had not known was possible. I learned things about myself I had been terrified to learn. But I grew to accept these things as loveable qualities. I learned how to love myself for better or worse. As I dated and continued down my path of loving myself, it became clearer as to what I really wanted from a romantic relationship as well as from all other relationships in my life. I wanted intimacy. I wanted vulnerability. I wanted spirituality and faith. I wanted someone whose values matched mine. I wanted someone who was emotionally available. I wanted someone who was not afraid to commit to me and be open with it. I wanted someone who inspired me and someone who was also on the path of personal growth.

Six years after beginning my healing journey I am in an amazing relationship. At the beginning of this relationship, I knew it was not going to be a typical one by any means. I knew that because of what I had learned about myself, I still had deep, deep fears around men and how to trust them. Not to mention I knew absolutely NOTHING about how to be in a healthy relationship. Being single? Yep, I had that covered. But how to be myself and be in a relationship that triggered me, helped me grow and supported me? That was new, and still is. I had done enough prep work to know that as soon as I met someone who was willing to take this journey with me, it would be one of tremendous growth for the both of us.

My heart has had to learn how to trust. I’ve had to learn how to communicate on a level I never thought possible. I’ve learned to ask for support while not asking someone to change their actions or placing blame. I’ve had to identify triggers, express my insecurities, feel my anxiety, and be so vulnerable I was sure my partner was going to leave me. I’ve taken huge risks with my heart all in the hopes of having a healthy, spiritual, honest, trusting, loving relationship with someone. So far this has been the toughest learning curve and also the most rewarding. I would not trade this life in for a second.