My daughter and I were having a fun conversation exploring ways to approach some challenges. She threw out the question, “What would it look like if that challenge were easy?” I can’t stop thinking about that question. Since then, each time I come across a challenge or something I’ve been putting off, I ask myself, “What would this look like if it were easy?”
By definition it’s a challenge – so how could it ever be easy? Feels like one of those Zen koans that makes no sense at first glance. It’s a puzzle alright. Normally I approach challenges from the other direction – assuming it’s hard and emphasizing all the reasons it’s hard. What a great game to turn it all on its head and envision it as easy. But how?
My first challenge that I tried to flip into being easy had to do with a mundane task of sorting through some financial documents and calling my insurance company to make adjustments and solve a few problems on a number of fronts. What makes this task hard is that I simply dread it.
So my first step was to come at the task with a different vision – a vision of it being easy – of seeing it all come together.
Next, I thought of all the ways I could enhance my experience of completing the task by enhancing my environment. I grabbed a cup of coffee, turned some music on, appreciated the view, and then set to work.
I’d love to report that the task came together efficiently and matched my vision. That’s not how it happened. What actually happened was I spent hours on the phone talking with one consultant after another. It wasn’t turning out to be easy at all. In fact, this was exactly why I dreaded tasks like this. It seems to take way too long. As I sat there feeling the frustration rising within, I kept asking myself, “What would it look like if this were easy?” Of course my first vision of this was that everything would go my way – and that would make it easy. My vision also included personnel from the insurance company who were efficient and knowledgeable and working on fast computers.
Since that wasn’t my reality I needed to come up with another vision for making this easy. Then it hit me. If I could drop my expectations about the amount of time this task should take, then the task would suddenly be easy.
It was the expectation that the task should happen quickly that made the task hard. Once I accepted it wouldn’t be quick – then the task was a breeze. I plugged my headphones in and slipped my phone into my pocket and went about doing other mindless tasks like cleaning and folding laundry while I was on hold. Suddenly it felt easy. Mission accomplished without much effort – just time and patience. The trick to making this challenge easy was recognizing what made it hard – my expectations around time. Once I let that go, I was able to structure my environment to make the task easy.
By Sue Hardman-Conklin
Questions to Ponder:
- What challenge or challenges are you working with?
- Can you identify the parts of the challenge that make it hard?
- What role do your expectations of how it “should be” play in making the challenge difficult?
- What would it look like if you were able to let go of your expectations of how it should be and instead work within the limits of how it is?
- What would it look like if it were easy?
My sister just received the news that her cancer treatments have not worked and nothing can be done. Hospice is coming next week. I wonder how I might frame these questions to help her with her transition. She’s is naturally afraid and hurt by what she will miss in her sons’ lives. I want to make the next few weeks/months easier for her. Any ideas on how I could possibly reframe this to help her make peace with her situation? Thank you.
Dear Kim, my heart goes out to you and your sister and her family. When I wrote this post I didn’t have in mind the challenge of facing the end of life; and I cringe at the suggestion from the title of my post that one could “make it easy.” Ouch! I apologize. Facing end of life issues is anything but easy. Grieving isn’t easy.
My gut tells me that reframing the questions won’t help at this point. Your sister is in the process of grieving her expectations of the things she will miss in her sons’ lives. She can’t possibly let go of these expectations until she first grieves them. I think you help by letting her grieve in her own way and being present for her in the process. You can provide her with a safe space in which she can grieve – where she can feel everything she needs to feel – without feeling the pressure of others wanting her to feel better. Follow her lead – and bring your warm heart and compassion to each encounter with her, knowing that you can’t fix this, but you can love her fully as she works through it. You help by not having an agenda, except to be present to hers. I wish you and your sister and family Divine guidance and comfort as you face this difficult time. Sending you love! ~Sue
Dear Kim
The next few months are certain to present deeply meaningful and painful moments as you, your sister, and her family navigate through a profound period of ‘letting go’. There is so much that is individual to the dying and grieving process. Being full present and listening will be the most valuable tools throughout. I would like to suggest that you dive into some resources to be able to best support yourself, your sister, and her family as they transition.
Hospice and Palliative Care organizations are a great resource. Here are some links that might be helpful.
National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization
https://www.nhpco.org/resources/end-life-care–resources
Alexandra Kennedy – she has some great articles and
http://www.alexandrakennedy.com/index.php
Legacy connect has some great resources and links as well.
http://connect.legacy.com/inspire/losing-someone-to-illness
Blessings and Light,
Therese
Hello Kim,
Your sister is fortunate to have a loving and caring sibling like yourself.
“Marrow” by Elizabeth Lesser is a non-fiction book about a sister losing a sister to cancer.
The story is much broader in scope than your specific question but that is a good thing.
It may provide you some very special insights and comfort to help you and your sister through her transition.
Wishing you and your sister peace,
Tim
Thank you Tim. What an excellent suggestion. Here is a lovely introduction to the book by the author. https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=141&v=3nIwD1BbTSQ
Thanks Tim for the suggestion of “Marrow” by Elizabeth Lesser. I’ve read it and found it deeply moving and informative. I highly recommend it as well.
Raising child is very difficult, you need to be more patient with extra care at home. Home Care Green Valley provides free training sessions for parents.