I was looking forward to this gathering of friends. It started out so well as we greeted each other with hugs and happy smiles and settled in around a table with warm mugs of coffee in hand. We decided to take turns checking-in, telling the group what was going on for us.
The first person to talk began to express a deep sadness about things happening in her life. The second person spoke of being overcome with grief. As the third person began to voice her struggles I noticed the panic beginning to arise in me. First – I was feeling discomfort with all the sadness in this group of people. I for sure did not want to feel sad myself. I showed up to this gathering feeling fantastic – and the last thing I wanted was to start feeling sad. No – no – no – I definitely didn’t want to go there. I started looking longingly at the door. Was there any way I could slip away – without being noticed – and just go on my merry way? No chance. I was committed for the next two hours. Since running away wasn’t an option I decided to move to Plan B.
So what’s Plan B? Plan B is to notice what’s happening for me in this moment. What’s happening is resistance to what’s happening! Why of course! That’s almost always what’s happening when I’m looking to run away and escape.
Once I spot resistance in myself I go into action. I know how to do this. I’ve practiced this so many times. I go into observer mode and become the scientist, examining the sensations in my body. I notice the tightness in my chest, the tension in my arms and my upper back. I notice my heart beating more rapidly.
Without trying to change any of those sensations I simply keep paying attention to all the body sensations within. It’s actually fascinating to watch. I notice the sensations change and fairly rapidly dissipate – just by me keeping my attention on them. That is so cool.
While I keep my focus on body sensations I notice that my resistance to what’s happening in the group drops. I’m happy to be here now because I’m completely fascinated by my ability to bear these sensations. It’s actually not even hard and not even that uncomfortable. I’m also fascinated by the fact that I can be present to my body sensations AND be present to what each person is saying AND I’m able to have compassion for them.
As all this is happening I come to a huge realization. It dawns on me that the whole reason I’m uncomfortable with other’s negative emotions is that I think:
- To be a good friend/person, I need to merge with them and feel or try to feel what they’re feeling. (Nope – that belief is untrue. I can feel compassion and be present without feeling the same feelings as someone else. In fact, I think that I can be more present to others when I am not getting absorbed in my own stories and struggles.)
- To be a good friend I need to make this better for my friend. I need to fix this for her. I need to come up with some wisdom, good advice, or at the very least cheer her up. (Nope – that belief is untrue. More often than not my friends aren’t looking for advice. They aren’t asking for me to fix things. They mostly want to be heard – to be listened to with compassion and love.)
All along I’ve been thinking I want to fix my friend’s sadness in order to help HER – and while that’s partly true, I realize now that underneath that desire to help her is the desire for her to feel better so that I’m not uncomfortable. I realize her uncomfortable feelings make ME uncomfortable.
In this moment it becomes crystal clear that I don’t have to be uncomfortable around other’s discomfort. And to the extent that I do notice physical sensations arising, I can completely handle it. Not a big deal. This is such a freeing realization! Knowing how to easily handle my feelings by attending to my own body sensations – and that I can do this while being present to my friend and that it’s not my job to fix anyone or merge with anyone else’s feelings is GIANT for me!
The chains I’ve shackled myself with by my outdated beliefs have dropped away. I’m definitely loving staying right here with the confidence that I don’t need to keep planning an exit strategy.
~ Sue Hardman-Conklin
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