It’s December. We are near the end of the year, going into the deepest darkness of the winter solstice. Endings have been on my mind.

I’ve been remembering the good times of the past year, but also reflecting on the losses and the transitions that seem to be happening all around me. I feel like I’m riding a wave of change. I don’t particularly welcome change. Noticing the resistance, I decide to relax into it and see what happens.

I notice a sense of loss – of missing people – missing a previous stage of life – noticing a few regrets – wishing I’d had the wisdom then that I have now. I’m tempted to quickly push away the uncomfortable feelings and get on with the busy tasks of the season. But then I remember to stay with my feelings for just a little bit – feeling into them as sensations in my body. I realize I’m able to process these uncomfortable sensations and then release them. As I go inside to feel this as a body sensation I marvel at how quickly the sensations resolve and dissipate. I feel a little freer.

But what do I do with regrets? What about the things I wish I did better?

EndingsI had the opportunity to work with my regrets as I recently read through a journal that I wrote many years ago when I was a young mom. There are so many great stories about my kids in this journal. I’m delighted that I have the stories written down. But my older and wiser self can also see in the journal, ways that I failed my kids – when I didn’t show up as my best self. I feel embarrassed – maybe even a little bit ashamed. Should I tear these pages out of the journal?

Thankfully my older and wiser self shows up in this moment of feeling shame and takes charge.  I imagine myself as that young mom, who was trying so hard to do everything right – perfectly – but was in fact a mere mortal – perfectly imperfect. I take this image and imagine cradling this young mom in my arms – kissing her and loving her up big – clucking and cooing with understanding over her frustrations – and just loving her with all her failings. What’s not to love? I imagine tickling her and getting her to laugh and not take herself so seriously. I tell her that she’ll have better days – moments in the sun where she is shining bright in all her motherhood glory and wisdom. I tell her that there will be other tough days – when mothering will bring her to her knees and she will feel great sorrow. But in the end, I remind her, it’s all good. It’s all the richness of life and being human. I remind her to savor it. Savor it all. This is what it’s like to really live into the fullness of your life.

I love this imagery! It’s as if my current self travels back in time to comfort and love my younger self. I definitely feel better and ready to carry on – with more love and compassion.

EndingsI slip that journal into my purse as I head out the door for a day of errands. Maybe I’ll swing by to see my 92-year old mom. She’s delighted when I arrive and asks if I have time for a cup of tea? I hesitate for a second- thinking of all I need to do. But then I say yes as I think about that book, A Cup of Christmas Tea.  As if on cue, straight out of the book, my mom reaches for the good china and puts water on to boil. We sit down in her living room with our teacups and saucers. I pull out my journal to read to her some stories about the kids – her grandkids. She doesn’t remember any of the stories but delights in them just the same – as if it just happened in this moment.

It reminds me that memories of the past are wonderful – but fleeting. You can’t count on remembering them. You can’t rely on them to give your life meaning or perspective. Ultimately it comes down to what are you able to savor in this moment?

Can you savor a good story or a good laugh? How about savoring sitting down during the busiest time of the year and enjoying a cup of tea together? What about savoring and embracing the endings, transitions, joys, and sorrows? I’m working to open my heart to it all and to resist nothing. My mom is leading the way and showing me how.

~ Sue Hardman-Conklin

P.S. I’m so grateful to have had the opportunity to share my stories with you on Soulbridging throughout the last 4 years. Thanks so much, Dear Readers for taking this journey with me. I may not have met you in person, but I definitely think of you and imagine connecting with you as I write. This marks an ending for me as this will be my last post on SoulBridging. But it also marks a new beginning as I soon launch my website SueConklin.com  Come check it out! Also, feel free to contact me at sueconklin1@icloud.com . Blessings to you on your journey!