Everybody knows that weddings are filled with joy, love and celebration. And so it was when my son got married last week. I’ve never been to a more moving, joy filled event. It was incredible! My heart was so full. I was so happy for my son and daughter-in-law, and I was overwhelmed by the love and support of family and friends. It was unlike any other moment in my life – where I felt held and supported and loved by all these important people in my life – both the people present – but also others who were helping and supporting my family and me from behind the scenes.
Under these idyllic conditions where my son was marrying his true love and so happy, you can imagine my surprise when an uninvited guest showed up – grief. What was grief doing here on the morning of a day like this? It had no business at a wedding. But here it was. Mindful of Rumi’s poem, The Guest House, I knew grief, if present, must have an important message and/or role to play. I knew it wasn’t to be ignored or pushed away. What did it mean and where did it come from?
I’m suspicious grief slipped in quietly the night before when we were at the church going through the wedding ceremony rehearsal. Perhaps then it dawned on me that this wasn’t just a huge party we’ve been planning and preparing for. The rituals and the music in a sacred setting likely brought home the reality that in this moment of the wedding ceremony, our son will leave our nuclear family and create his own. It was a line I never saw before – and definitely never felt before – because more than anything it’s what I’ve always wanted for our son – to find a great love in a life partner. I just never realized that loving him so much would require the heartbreak of letting him go – fully releasing him to another.
Of course this releasing him and letting go has been happening for 10 years – ever since he left home for college – actually ever since he left for kindergarten – actually ever since his first babysitter. Motherhood is a total absorption and devotion unlike anything I’d ever experienced before. And – it’s a constant exercise in letting go. Loving more by letting go – bit–by–bit – year by year. It’s a letting go that tears at my heart – and thereby makes it bigger and stronger as I grow my heart to love from an increasing distance.
Rituals are powerful. They are important. They create these lines that you step over. They are the catalyst of transformation – marking the end or death of something and the beginning or birth of something new. So that’s why my heart ached on the cusp of my son’s wedding day. It was the end of something wonderful – the joy of our nuclear family – and the birth of something wonderful – the joy of his own nuclear family. Realizing my heart was big enough and strong enough to hold the richness of the end and the beginning in one moment was something truly wonderful. Love and loss resulting in a bigger stronger love – that’s something to celebrate. And so we did!
~Sue Hardman-Conklin
Questions to Ponder:
- Have you loved someone by letting go? If so, does letting go result in a stronger bigger love – or does it simply feel like a loss?
- Have you experienced a ritual where the effect of it took you by surprise?
Beautifully described!! What a emotional contradiction it was for me as well! Falling in love with him from the minute he joined our family to watching him take the first step to starting his own family, I experienced a kind of jubilant pain, similar to the experience I had giving birth to my children. As complimentary acts we couldn’t carry a child without being able to release them! What a wonderful journey life is!
Thanks for your comments Katie. It’s nice to hear you’ve experienced something similar and so you can relate. I too thought about birth being an arena where all sorts of complex emotions show up and culminate in joy. I’m glad you mentioned that. I also like how you phrased it as complimentary acts – holding/nurturing and then letting go. The two acts must go together. It’s a pretty incredible journey!
Sue! This is such a wonderful description of two emotions at the same time! AND allowing them to sit side by side. I love your description of grief showing up uninvited. I can see it and feel it. You’re a gifted writer.
What a nice compliment, Deb! Thank you! I’m so glad you were able to see and feel what I was trying to convey. Your use of the word “allow” is spot on. Being open to allowing unexpected feelings brings a freedom and rich experience to life. There is a relief in being with whatever shows up and not resisting it.