Making a Commitment

Here’s the trouble with commitment. You can’t commit to something new, and then do everything the way you used to. Commitment means change – a reordering of priorities and focus. Something has got to give. The other problem with commitment is staying disciplined and focused on the goal even when other desires beckon or other things or people need my attention. The Camino was a perfect opportunity for me to experience the challenge of committing to something new – something that was definitely going to force me out of my comfort zone and upset the balance of how I typically prioritize my life. The biggest challenge of the Camino for me happened before I took my first step. The challenge for me was in fully committing to try.

Initially, when the Camino was a year away, it seemed like a great idea. But as the time to go drew closer, I started to have doubts about fully committing to doing it. I wanted to go, but the more I thought about being gone for 5 weeks, the more I realized now wasn’t a good time. There was so much going on in my life that I wasn’t expecting when I initially agreed to do this. I didn’t feel comfortable leaving my family to deal with everything on their own. I realized I needed to call my friend Julie and tell her I was having second thoughts. I suggested we do it next year, after things in my life settled down a little. Julie said that this year was her window to go. Next year she wouldn’t have the time off from work. I told her I’d give it some more thought.

Weeks went by and I couldn’t stop thinking about the Camino. I imagined myself going on the Camino, but the idea of leaving my husband and family for so long made me feel sick. Then I imagined not going, and I felt sick.  With misery in either choice I had to dig into the misery and figure out what was driving it. I discovered that the misery behind leaving had to do with fear and feelings of shame about being selfish and abandoning those I care for. The misery behind not going had to do with letting go of an opportunity that I knew had the potential to be life changing. It never feels comfortable to override my fears, but over the years, I’ve learned that decisions motivated by fear usually aren’t in my best interest.  So I chose the opportunity over the fear and picked up the phone and called Julie, declaring boldly, “I’m in. Let’s do this!” She said, “I don’t know. Life is getting complicated. I’ve been doing a lot of traveling. There are some things my family needs me here for, and some family events I don’t want to miss. This isn’t a good time to go.”

After 10 months of watching both of us go through cycles of enthusiasm followed by doubt, I realized there was never going to be a perfect time to go – a time when nothing was pulling at us to stay – a time when I was certain of my abilities and certain that this would be worth the sacrifices made to leave. I had to let go of feeling completely sure. I had to connect with and steel my will to proceed. This total commitment to proceed  – in the face of all the uncertainties, doubts, fears and external circumstances of my life – was the hardest part of the whole journey for me. Interestingly enough, after we both fully committed, everything else fell into place. We bought our airplane tickets, then our backpacks, and then we started to train. Doing our daily training walks took lots of time. Other duties were neglected. Our focus shifted more and more to preparations for the trip. No one in my family complained outright, but I still felt a little guilty about how my priorities had shifted. Nevertheless, with my commitment fully engaged, nothing was going to stop me. After two months of training we boarded the plane and were on our way – committed 100% to trying.