The desire to fix, to help a friend with a problem – it’s a good thing – right? Well . . . sort of . . . sometimes. Actually it depends. What is truly helpful?
The other day as a friend told me her problems, I noticed a strong desire on my part to help ease her pain, to jump in and solve the problem. But I caught myself. Before saying anything I invoked the role of the observer and asked what was behind my desire to fix this? While I feel strong compassion and love for my friend, how much of fixing is a subtle form of judgment, a subtle form of saying: 1) you’re not doing well, 2) you’re not capable of figuring this out, 3) my ideas are better than yours. Eeew! I don’t like how any of that sounds. I certainly don’t want to be sending those judging messages. In fact I want to be sending the exact opposite message: 1) you’re being challenged and you’re doing ok, 2) you are capable of figuring this out, 3) you are the one who will find the best ideas for dealing with this situation.
For sure there are times when others really do need me to step in – when they are incapacitated, sick, severely depressed, etc. But that’s rare. As I look into my strong urge to fix, I think it mostly comes down to my discomfort at seeing other’s in distress. It’s hard to open my heart to the suffering that’s happening and to let it be – to accept it as it is in this moment. Of course by adding resistance to what is, I’m only increasing the suffering – for them and for me.
So what’s the way around this? What is helpful in the face of another’s suffering? I think about what has helped me the most in my struggles. One person who comes to mind is my mom. She’s a good listener and let’s me talk without interruptions. She’s good at empathizing. I can just hear her saying things like, “That sounds awful!” Next she says, “I have no idea how to handle that, but if anyone can handle it, it’s YOU!”
I come away feeling heard and supported and confident that I really am the best person to figure this out. It feels empowering to know that someone believes in me and my abilities. The rare times my mom has offered advice for what I should say or do I remember thinking, “Mom, you just don’t get it.”
The big “aha” in this for me is the realization that people don’t want their problems solved by others. That’s what I need to keep telling myself over and over as the desire to fix arises. My friends want me to listen, to empathize, and to remind them that they are competent, capable and resilient. And if I can do that – then maybe I’m actually helping.
~Sue Hardman-Conklin
Questions To Ponder:
- Who do you go to when you need to discuss a problem? Why do you choose that person?
- What is it that makes you feel heard and supported?
- Are you able to be with someone in pain without needing to fix it?
- What is most comforting for you when you’re in emotional pain?
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