I Just Want Everyone to be Happy

My sister-in-law says she wants her gravestone to say, “ I just want everyone around me to be happy.” I know how she feels. I want that too and I work hard to make that happen. It turns out that there are a few flaws to that strategy.

wantThe first, of course, is that it puts my emotional state into the hands of others and gives them a lot of power to determine the course of my feelings. In other words, everyone around me needs to be happy in order for me to be happy. I’ve heard it said that a mom is only as happy as her least happy kid. Hmmm. I’m thinking that stinks and I want my power back to be in charge of my own emotions, regardless of the emotions of those around me.

The Decisions that Matter

The second flaw is that in the course of working hard to make those around me happy I lose awareness of my own preferences. It’s the strangest thing not to be able to know if I prefer one restaurant over another. Going to a restaurant is something I never do alone – so those choices are always tied to what in my mind will please the people I’m with. Choosing a restaurant is inconsequential – but it gets me wondering how many other choices and decisions are swayed or altered by my perception of or assumption of the preferences of others? As I dive deeply into this question the implications slowly start dawning on me – “Holy cow – how much of me am I cutting out in service to the happiness of others?”

The third flaw is a little less obvious. Knowing what I want is hard enough. But taking the risk to ask for what I want is another thing. If I ask, I risk the disappointment of my request being rejected– or that it might impose on another. When did it become so scary to have my requests rejected? Why is that such a big deal? Is it accurate to assume others – like me – have difficulty saying no – and thus my request creates an imposition?

Fear of Disappointment

It occurs to me that all this stems from a fear of disappointment. People pleasing and reluctance to notice what I want and risk asking for it is a learned strategy for avoiding disappointment. When viewed this way I have to bow down to the little kid in me who must have figured this strategy out long ago. It worked brilliantly to avoid major disappointment. But now that I’m older – and have the ability to look at this more deeply – I’m thinking disappointment isn’t so scary anymore. I’m thinking the risk of Wantdisappointment is definitely worth the gain of living more fully by noticing and feeling free to express my preferences. When I step away from the fear of disappointment, the freedom that opens up is heady stuff. It’s like I’m jumping into a roller coaster, throwing caution to the wind and throwing my arms up into the air. Woo hoo!

~Sue Hardman-Conklin

Questions to Ponder:

  1. If you had no fear of being disappointed, what risks would you take?
  2. If you had no fear of disappointing others, is there anything you might do differently? Anything you’d start doing? Anything you’d stop doing?
  3. Is it easy for you to know exactly what you prefer? Is it easy for you to make choices? If not, what gets in the way?
  4. Are you able to feel happy, even when those you love aren’t happy?
  5. How much does the fear of disappointment control your life?